by Sarah T. Ip

 

Nobody likes to admit they have a problem.  But when your mom is consistently getting intoxicated and reaching for that third flask of Hennessey, maybe she would do well to examine whether she’s abusing the alcohol.  As a concerned son or daughter, it is understandable that her dependency on the bottle affects you.  What should you do to confront her about her addiction?

Cut the crap, accept the truth.  No more denials.  You must get mom to acknowledge that she has a problem.  Only she is responsible for her actions, and she cannot blame external factors for her mistakes.  That’s the first step to recovery.  Common myths that alcohol is an “addictive personality” or that “once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic” hold no weight. 

According to a landmark study, Harvard researcher Georg Vaillant found that the alcoholic personality does not exist.  Alcoholism produces traits of dependency, criminality, depression, etc., but it is not the other way around.  Once a person stops abusing alcohol, these unflattering traits begin to disappear.

Alcohol leads to tolerance – In other words, a person who drinks a lot and drinks frequently needs more alcohol to produce the same effect.  If a person tries to abstain from alcohol, cravings for it produce withdrawal pangs.  Addiction is then felt acutely, and is difficult to overcome.

Just like nicotine or caffeine withdrawal, symptoms worsen with more alcohol, which can be progressive.  First: blackouts and frequent intoxication, then arrests, complaints from family and friends, and drinking in the A.M.

Encourage Mom to stay the course.  If Mom drinks because of deep-seated insecurities, praise her positive personality and character traits.  Positive reinforcement helps.  Keep affirming her and telling her she can kick the habit.  Chances are, there’s a reason (or two, or four...) why she started drinking so heavily.  Bad mothering, a broken family, family alcoholism, low education and low IQ can all contribute to this destructive path. 


Be sensitive to her needs.  Be sure to practice consideration and promote an environment conducive to her recovery.  For example, at family gatherings, request that relatives not drink alcohol in her presence and bring an alternative hostess gift instead of the requisite bottle of wine or champagne.  Mocktails work just as well.  Throw out the drinks lying around in the kitchen, as they would provide a temptation for her.


Find a hobby.  Help Mom find something she enjoys doing that doesn’t involve alcohol.  This could be knitting, gardening or physical fitness, among other activities.  Reawaken the “natural highs” of exercise that can stimulate endorphins.  Pilates, yoga, dance, aerobics, swimming or even power walking are some doable options.  Maybe enroll in a fitness class together at the local Y or gym for moral support.  Mom should nurture an interest she can explore that gives her positive vibes.  At the same time, she will feel good about herself and develop her skills and talents.


Meditate.  Breathe in, breathe out.  The way of the Tao is more than Yin-Yang theory.  Mom needs to relax and find her center, to evaluate her priorities and what is truly important in life.  The key is not to be anxious about anything.  If she has access to a yard, growing a plant might be therapeutic.  As she nurtures the plant, she can feel satisfaction having helped it grow to completion.


Chew on something else.  For that nagging oral problem, gum can do the trick. Plus, teeth whitening gum works double duty.  Sweet!  What could be better than multitasking?  Or try chomping some trail mix, an assortment of nuts and fruits - something to occupy the mouth. 


Emphasize real medical consequences.  While sending your mom death threats may not be the most tactful option, you want her to know that her addiction affects you, too.  Prolonged alcohol abuse only leads to health issues, heightened medical expenses and ultimately, death.  Say something like: Mom, I love you and care about you a lot, but it really hurts me to see you drink yourself to a mess.  I wish you would take it easy on the alcohol.  Your drinking habit is having negative effects on those around you who need you, including your spouse and children (if that’s the case).  As a concerned daughter/son, I am asking you to think about what excessive alcohol consumption is doing to you and get professional help to stop this problem.  The sooner the better. 


Instill community.  A sense of new-found hope and purpose can be found in new friendships, Alcoholics Anonymous and religion.  Advise Mom to communicate her feelings and situation to those around her, especially those she trusts.  If she’s single, encourage her to start going on casual dates again.  Participating in a new, adventurous activity is known to stimulate the brain


Don’t beat yourself up.  Remind her that complete healing takes one step at a time and can be a long, slow process.  Rome wasn’t built in a day!  Mom, be patient and don’t be hard on yourself if you slip up from time to time.  You are a work in progress, and nobody expects you to be perfect.  After giving birth, women don’t automatically whittle away their jelly bellies into taut tummies in a week.  It just doesn’t happen.  Recognize that you are human and fallible.  The key is to acknowledge your problem and work toward fixing it.


Sources:  What You Can Change…and What You Can’t, Chapter 13, by Martine E.P. Seligman
Bad Childhood---Good Life: How to Blossom and Thrive in Spite of an Unhappy Childhood by Dr. Laura Schlessinger