by Jan Rosenfeld

 

So, you’ve decided to end it with the old roommate, eh? Not surprising. College is a fickle time for a lad or lass, and chances are good you won’t be the same person once you’ve been through that gauntlet. Your taste in music evolves, your fashion sense changes – you may even end up smarter and more enriched from the experience! You wake up one morning and realize that leaving used tissues on the kitchen counter is actually pretty gross. Suddenly, listening to a “brutal guitar solo” at three in the morning doesn’t sound like your cup of tea. It’s time to move on.

It isn’t that you hate the walking trash monolith that is your roommate – you’ve just drifted apart. You want to let him or her down, but gently. Maybe you’ve met someone new. Maybe you feel like it’s time to live on your own. Whatever the reason, one of the most important things to understand is that every roommate break-up is different. Depending on your particular situation, you’ll need to act accordingly. So suit up! You’re on your way to a more fulfilling, enjoyable living situation.

The Guy-Guy.   This is the easiest and most desirable kind of break-up. Guys want to avoid emotional confrontation at all costs. All you need is one good reason to end your living arrangements. It can be totally logical, i.e. wanting to live closer to campus. It can also be rooted in personal preference: “I want to live with Gary, because he’s good at math.” Honestly, it can be anything. The main point to remember is that, above all, guys have excellent BS detectors. If you make up some roundabout lie, or ad-lib a flimsy excuse on the spot, you will be called out. If there is one thing that enrages the male brain, it’s being played for a fool. Do not essentially lock yourself in a cage with an angry baboon until moving day. Be honest!

The Girl-Girl.  This is the least desirable situation to be in. The female roommate can be an underhanded, dirty fighter. Go against any instinct you may have to be brutally honest; your lady friend will not like being told about her shortcomings, least of all by you. It’s a safe bet to say that you were probably “super best friends forever” when you moved in, right? Well, no matter how she feels about your current living situation, she will bring that up. Girls have an unspoken obligation to be each other’s support system. You moving out will essentially indicate that you no longer wish to function as so. Do not bring up her annoying boyfriend. Do not bring up mutual girlfriends. You don’t want to invite any possibility of the dreaded gang-up. Have you watched the tiger scene in Gladiator? It’s worse.

The Guy-Girl.  What seems like the most anatomically natural scenario is actually the most complicated. When ending a co-ed habituation, consider these important factors: Are you romantically involved with your roommate? Do you wish you were? Have you seen him or her in terrible, compromising states of being that will alter the way you view the opposite sex for years to come? All of these must be considered when “divorcing” your roommate. If it does come down to proverbial punches, let’s keep it above the belt, people. Nobody wants to find their record collection on eBay for two bucks.

That’s it! The only thing worse than having a bad break-up with a roommate is ending up with someone even more terrible. So before you cut it off with your semi-significant other, really think about it. Maybe it’s you whose Cinnamon Toast Crunch ends up all over the bathroom floor. In that case...man, there are a whole bunch of other articles you need to read.